指环王：力量之戒 第一季

(Oh yes I ranted this)

Last Friday marks the finale of the Rings of Power, and I can only say – good riddance to this s***show. I used to hold very high hopes for this reboot, knowing its record-breaking budget, but quickly felt something was off at scene one of the pilot episode, when children were getting bullied at Valinor, while elven kids should have known better.

The production is so underwhelming that a viewer can hardly find any character or storyline to invest in or simply care about. That is why I only watched half of the pilot episode, a little bit of episode 2, none of episodes 3,4, or 5, but most of episode 6, again almost none of episode 7, and about two thirds of the finale. In comparison, many of the Youtube commentary podcasts turn out to be way more entertaining than the show Rings of Power itself, with lots of memes hilariously spot on.

Galadriel: guyladriel, galadrrrrriel, horsie lover, the lady constantly demanding to speak to the manager, spoiled brat, genocidal n***, enabler and motivator of the dark lord

Gil Galad: gil galahad, middle-aged store manager, “most average of a lordly being”

Elrond: gives the MEAT to his dwarf friend, politician, Guinness world record oath-breaker, responsible for waking the Balrog but thousands of years later pass the blame on the dwarfs

Celebrimbor: granny, wearing a velvet curtain, best elven smith having no idea what an alloy is

Celeborn: “silver clam”, possibly choose self-exile because he cannot stand his wife, where is he for lots of people in the world now much desire to speak with him

Finrod: “rocks look down…” ahhh cut the c***

Northern army: swarmed with elven soldiers that cannot single-handedly win any fight; cease to exist at all after a mutiny

Eregion: a city to be “disbanded”

Halbrand: totally not Sauron, incel, aquagorn

Elendil: his wife drowned and the sea is always right

Isildur: eats an apple after a horse bit into it, Missing in Action but come back and check out in 2024

Pharazon: K*** M*** cosplayer

Numenoreans: jabronis wearing men-b*** armors, barely know how to sword fight, the elves took their jerrrrrbs, mighty sea-power deploying five ships, but you know what they are bigger from the inside

Harfoot plot: hobo-Bagginses, unsanitary, sociopaths leaving everyone behind, “take their wheels and leave them” then “just once… once it would be grand if you weren't right all the time”, totally not Gandalf, Feminem, Nazgals

Dwarf plot: dark lord disa, doesn’t matter just GIVE DURIN THE MEAT AND GIVE IT TO HIM RAW

Arondir: don lemonlas, elf eyes cannot see a trench a mile in width while patrolling for centuries

Bronwyn: florist and commander of the southern armies

Southlanders: dunno their royal line has been broken for a thousand years

Southland watchtower: has no structural integrity whatsoever, held together by a single rope

Orcs: brings no weapon to war whatsoever, preferred way of attack is throwing their enemies to the ground; all they ask for is a home

Mount doom: unleashed by a hobo, not Sauron, by a hilt, not sorcery; once erupts, will destroy only buildings, not people, rather will cover them in Cheetos

Mordor: three quarters of a million’s worth Power Point Presentation

And it can go on like this forever. The two showrunners are the greatest con artists in the history of television. They may or may not have fooled the Tolkien estate – that depends on whether Simon Tolkien feels adequately compensated for this abomination and travesty – it definitely is a hard blow to the Lord of the Rings fanbase. These showrunners do not have the guts to take any form of responsibilities for creating this p*** of s***, but they are more than ready to point their fingers at anyone who dare voice negative opinions against this show. They may or may not realize the truth that unlike what they thought, they have not created anything (evil cannot create anything new, as Professor Tolkien put it). I only saw a failed effort in mimicking the Peter Jackson trilogy, and what I suspect to be pulling Jar Jar Abrams reylo-like tricks, and somehow convinced that people will buy it. The showrunners may not understand, that the whole reason they got their jobs is their complete lack of artistic geniuses or originality. They are hired as pawns, no different from the bought "superfans", and among everyone out there, these two are the easiest to control. In their wildest dreams the showrunners may believe they put in a perfectly coordinated effort, yet the incoherent storylines literally minutes apart proves there is not even a single strand of critical reflection between this duo when they read what each other wrote. Joining forces does not in any way make their work better.

From their work, I simply cannot see any evidence suggesting they love those original characters that they have 100% copyright to. On the contrary, I highly suspect they hate some of the characters, especially the elves. The only character that remains intact after this b******ization is arguably King Durin III. But with so little happened to this character, it is hard to be out of it. Trailing him is again, arguably, the original character Adar, albeit more problematic in terms of writing. Here, we have someone who grew up in Beleriand, recalls warmly his childhood memories as an elf, actually quite enjoys the sunlight, yet voluntarily chooses himself a life under endless volcanic ash and bitter, cold darkness. But artistically and cinematically, none of these matters. A Power Point Presentation style “mordor” legend replacement is all we need. We the audience deserve this d****** reveal and no better. Since the writers do not whole-heartedly love their own best characters, they care even less for those in the not-so-good tier. No wonder almost every character that has a name leaves the audience with the impression of, for a lack of better choice of words, being either l****s, j***s or l***** j***s.

It is an absolute shame that almost a billion dollars are committed to and will very likely be spent on this doomed flop, that there are people manipulating the narratives in the efforts of keeping the audiences divided based on their political views, and that my dream and many others’ dreams of seeing a production that is as globally loved and critically acclaimed as the Peter Jackson trilogy may never come true. Among the few things Rings of Powers achieves, is prompting me to read the Hobbits and the Lord of the Rings to my kid, because such a beautiful fantasy world called the middle earth is still and always there and cannot be tampered with one bit, for anyone truly appreciates Professor Tolkien’s noble spirit and the aesthetic splendor of his work.