我曾经想过，如果将哲学里的名词术语，以及发明这些名词术语的哲学家的名字都拿掉，代之以市井俗人的话语，然后共冶一炉的话，会是个什么样子？
我想了一下，想不出来，再想就头疼。
后来在《学箭悟禅录》——Zen in der Kunst des Bogenschießens（1948）这本书的中文版——里看到，弓道大师阿波研造（1880-1939）为了要搞明白，跟他学射箭的那个大学哲学教授 Eugen Herrigel（1884–1955）为什么总摸不着门道，就专门跑了一趟书店，翻书看那门哲学究竟是搞什么的？大师才明白个究竟，然后自然就轻松搞定了那个难搞的学生。
看书看到这里我才明白，头疼是上天赐予我的礼物。
譬如，之前我问自己的那个挺无聊的问题，在看完这部《与安德烈晚餐》（My Dinner with Andre，1981）之后，毫不费力一下子就有了答案。还有就是，这两个纽约大叔这餐饭聊到逃离都市，过返璞归真的生活就听得我津津有味，然后聊他们的都市生活，听到我在中途睡了一觉。
安德烈·格雷戈里（Andre Gregory，1934- ），就是海报中头发多的那位，他编出这样一个剧本让我敬佩。截这么一小段再来品味一下：
我有一张乔姬塔的照片，那是她 - 我总随身带着照片，那是她大概 26 岁时拍的，那是一个夏天，她从一个阳台探出身来，穿着一条复古长裙，是某种套裙，她那时苗条且肉感，很美。我总是看着这幅照片，只想着她看上去多么性感。
I have this picture of Chiquita that was taken when she - I always carry it with me. It was taken when she was about 26 or something. And it's in summer, and she's stretched out on a terrace in this sort of old-fashioned long skirt that's kind of pulled up. And she's slim and sensual and beautiful. And I've always looked at that picture and just thought about just how sexy she looks.
而去年在以色列时，我看着这张照片，才发现照片中的脸，是一张世界上最悲伤的脸。彼时的那个姑娘，是那么迷惘，如此的哀伤和孤独。
And then last year in Israel, I looked at the picture and I realized that that face in the picture was the saddest face in the world. That girl at that time was just lost so sad and so alone.
我一辈子都带着这张照片，却从没真正看懂它，我就是没有真正去去看它。
I've been carrying this picture for years and not ever really seeing what it is, you know. I just never really looked at the picture.
然后，到了某个阶段，我才发现自己，走过了大好的十八年，却没能力感觉，除了某些最极端的情况。某种程度而言，我仍然有能力活在自己的工作中，所以我才是那样一个工作狂，所以我才觉得自己导的每一出戏，都事关我的生死存亡，可在我的真实生活里，我已经死了，我是个机器人。你看，我甚至不允许自己生气或恼火。
And then, at a certain point , I realized I'd just gone for a good 18 years unable to feel except in the most extreme situations. I mean, to some extent, I still had the ability to live in my work. That was why I was such a work junkie. That was why I felt that every play that I did was a matter of my life or my death. But in my real life, I was dead. I was a robot. I mean, I didn't even allow myself to get angry or annoyed.
如今，乔姬塔、尼古拉斯、玛丽娜一整天，就像人们常有的，他们做一些让我恼火的事，说一些让我恼火的话，如今我会发火，他们问“你为什么要生气？” 我就说“因为你们让人恼火”。
I mean, you know, today Chiquita, Nicolas, Marina - All day long, as people do, they do things that annoy me and they say things that annoy me. And today I get annoyed. And they say, "Why are you annoyed?" And I say, "Because you're annoying," you know.
当我允许自己考虑，不和乔姬塔共度余生的可能时，我发现自己一生所求，就是总与她相随，但那时，我还不懂得何谓让自己对另一个人做出反应。而一旦你不能对他人做出反应，那就没有任何作用与相互作用的可能了。而如果没有的话，我实在不知道“爱”这个字意味了什么，除了职责、义务、伤感、担忧。
And when I allowed myself to consider the possibility of not spending the rest of my life with Chiquita. I realized that what I wanted most in life was to always be with her. But at that time, I hadn't learned what it would be like to let yourself react to another human being. And if you can't react to another person then there's no possibility of action or interaction. And if there isn't, I don't really know what the word "love" means except duty, obligation, sentimentality, fear.
我是说——我不知道你是怎样的，沃利（Wallace Shawn，1943- ），可我——我得让自己进行某种训练，才能学着做一个人。
I mean - I don't know about you, Wally, but I - I just had to put myself into a kind of training program to learn how to be a human being.
我过去是怎么感受一切的？我不知道。什么样的东西是我喜欢的？什么样的人是我真心想交往的？
I mean, how did I feel about anything? I didn't know. What kind of things did I like? What kind of people did I really want to be with? You know?
而唯一我能想到的发现途径，就是切断所有的噪音，停止所有的表演，然后只倾听自己的内心。
And the only way that I could think of to find out was to just cut out all the noise and stop performing all the time and just listen to what was inside me.
（翻译：我的婚前生活）
2018.10.9 http://william-ho.lofter.com/post/6c3aa_12b466295
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