午夜弥撒

当我坐在医院的病床上，在一群年过花甲、古稀、耄耋的病友们此起彼伏的鼾声中，静静地看完这部七个小时长的电视剧时，我的内心充满了无限感慨。除了自《鬼入侵》以来对Mike Flanagan编剧与导演能力的认可又上了一个台阶，我更多的是对这短短七集的高度热爱。

前排长评给出了剧中诸多宗教意象的注解。我认为即使不知道耶稣鱼、路西法、旧约、十二门徒等，也不妨碍感知本剧所传递的主要信息。

剧中的首要设定是存在一种类似于红细胞生成性原卟啉病的具有极强光敏感性的血液传染病。但在剧中它更是被赋予了一种宛若神迹（to be chosen）的色彩，即被感染者会被restored到前半生的peak self，并拥有快速愈合能力和不死之躯，进而达到永生（eternity），即智能提取人的前半生的局部极大值。至于哪个时刻才是peak self，blood of God中携带的这种血液传染病因子自有它的选取机制。当然，这个首要设定有个至关重要的前置设定，即一个个体人在生理层面上具备了将前半生按照God的某种标准以状态集的形式（即下列曲线中每个点所代表的状态集）store在机体中的功能。所以，年迈的Pruitt和Mildred再次年轻，Leeza从轮椅上站了起来，Riley则变回酗酒前的样子。

这里所提及的God，并没有特指Jesus，而是泛指所有能够在世人面前展示神迹（miracle）、从而成为某些人的信仰之源的things，例如路西法。

本剧的着力点有两个，一是宗教信仰的建立与崩塌，二是人的死亡与永生。男女之爱与血肉之亲穿插其中，例如Pruitt神父为了爱人与爱女的永生故意传播血液传染病，例如Ed和Annie为了拯救孩子和别人英勇牺牲，又例如Riley使Erin眼见为实、相信所言而选择自燃。但相比于宗教信仰和死亡与永生的探讨，这些都次要了些。

宗教信仰的建立，始于神迹。Keane是一个格外生动的例子。在克里特岛上，Joe和Keane的不受欢迎程度大抵相同。酗酒的Joe误射致使Leeza下半身瘫痪，从此生活糜烂，身边那条狂吠的狗Pike更是令人敬而远之。Keane对圣经烂熟于心，常能引经据典，但她囫囵吞枣，只会机械搬运福音书的内容。她总幻想着有一天会赢得God的认可，从而成为the chosen。在这一天到来之前，她便擅自打着God的名义（It’s like this particular brand of self-righteousness that is exclusive to a certain breed of religions），对克里特岛上的一切指指点点，甚至颐指气使。她不容纳异见，不接受反驳，因为她坚信她在践行God的主张，自视为God在尘世间的apostle。Leeza的宽恕使得沉积在Joe心底的郁结得以松解，戒酒会又让Joe第一次控制住了酒瘾。即使Joe在剧情的推进中早早领了盒饭，他仍可称得上是走向了正道。Keane则全然相反。一生都浸润在福音书熏陶中的Keane却将传播福音演绎成了霸权和专政，对to be the chosen的过分渴望使她过分崇拜神迹，误入歧途，心甘情愿地走向地狱。与Joe相比，Keane显然更悲剧化。结尾处Keane在沙滩上一边痛哭一边刨坑、企图攫取日出前一线生机的画面，我唯一能想到的形容词，只有凄美。我不认为可怜之人必有可恨之处。在Acts of the Apostles之前的Keane并不可恨，对to be the chosen着魔般的执着使她眼里无法下沉，悬于半空，脱离群众，她可怜至极。

事实上，许多年来，宗教信仰的传播并没有伴随着神迹的显现，信徒群体的蔓延大都源于对God、对来世（eternal life）的个体化期待，这与Keane有着很大程度上的共通之处。而一旦现实与此的差距被揭开，宗教信仰的崩塌便发生在弹指之间，例如Riley。

从业于金融的Riley和作为医生的Sarah的角色设计颇为相似。我无意讨论科学与宗教的关系，但Sarah是无神论者，Riley入狱后先是摒弃了对天主教的信仰，在博览各个宗教的经文之后也变成无神论者。面对发生在Leeza身上的所谓神迹时，二人并不像教堂中的其他人一样感恩God的恩赐，而是对背后的来龙去脉进行分析。Riley为说服Erin逃跑而选择自燃与Sarah毅然拒绝Pruitt割腕滴血成为不死之躯的举动，也说明二人对eternal life有着相同的认知。

永生的命题，既作为Pruitt神父归来赎罪的前因，又作为克里特岛居民追随路西法的动机。本剧和电影The Man From The Earth一样具有高度文学性，大段大段的台词值得反复品读。举个例子，Erin和Riley坐在沙发上那段关于死亡（What happens when we/you/I die）的讨论，一个的描述具有高度浪漫化的科学性，另一个的言语间则透着丧女的淡淡哀伤。

Riley: I guess I just lived a moment at complete odds with the existence of a loving God.

Erin: So what do you think? You think I’m delusional?

Riley: No.

Erin: You think I’m naive?

Riley: No. I think we all want so badly for there to be a reason. For everything. And some justice, and some comfort when we die.

Erin: Yeah, that’s where religion comes from. That’s the whole question. What happens when we die?

Riley: What the fuck happens?

Erin: So what do you think? What happens when we die, Riley?

Riley: I don’t know. I don’t trust anyone who tells us they do, but I can speak for myself, I guess.

Erin: Then speak for yourself. What happens when you die?

Riley: When I die, my body stops functioning. Shut down. All at once, or gradually. My breathing stops. My heart stops beating. Clinical death. And a bit later, like, five whole minutes later, my brain cells start dying. But in the meantime, in between, maybe my brain releases a flood of DMT. It’s the psychedelic drug released when we dream. So, I dream. I dream bigger than I have ever dreamed before because it’s all of it. Just the last dump of DMT all at once. And my neurons are firing. And I’m seeing this firework display of memories and imagination. And I’m just tripping. I mean, really, tripping balls because my mind is rifling through the memories. You know, long and short-term, and the dreams mix with the memories, and it’s a curtain call. The dream to end all dreams. One last great dream as my mind empties the fucking missile silos and then I stop. My brain activity ceases and there is nothing left of me. No pain. No memory. No awareness that I ever was. No. That I ever hurt someone. That I ever killed someone. Everything is as it was before me. And the electricity disperses from my brain till it’s just dead tissue. Meat. Oblivion. And all of the other little things that make me up, they, the microbes and bacterium and the billion other little things that live on my eyelashes and in my hair and in my mouth and on my skin and in my gut and everywhere else, they just keep on living. And eating. And I’m serving a purpose. I’m feeding life. And I’m broken apart and all the littlest pieces of me are just recycled and I’m billions of other places. And my atoms are in plants and bugs and animals. And I’m like the stars that are in the sky. There was one moment and they just scattered across the goddamn cosmos.

Riley: Your turn. What happens when you die?

Erin: Speaking for myself?

Riley: Speaking for yourself.

Erin: No. Not for myself. I’m not the one that died today. She was never awake. When she came down into this little body, this just-forming little body, it was asleep. So all she ever knew was dreaming. She only ever dreamed. She didn’t even have a name. And then in her sleep, that perfect little spirit just lifted up. Because God didn’t send her to suffer through life on Earth. No. This one? This special little soul. God just sent her down here to sleep. Just a little nap. A quick dream. And then he called her back. He wanted her back. And so she went back. Same as she floated down, she rose up above the Earth. Past all the souls in the atmosphere and all the stars in the sky and then into a light. So bright. And then, for the first time, she starts to wake up. She’s wrapped in a feeling of love. Just pure, amazing love. Of course she is. She’s pure. She has never sinned. She never hurt a single living things, not even an ant. And she’s not alone. She’s home. There are people there. She doesn’t know it, but they’re her family. Her grandfather and her great-grandfather, and they love her. And they name her. And then when God reaches down and kisses her head, and the second he says her name, she grows up. In a blink. And she’s perfect. Her body as it would have been on her best day on Earth. Her perfect age. The peak of herself. And they tell her about her mom down here on Earth, and how I’ll be there soon enough. And she’s happy. And nothing but joy for all eternity. And she’s loved. And she isn’t alone. And that’s what we mean when we say Heaven. No mansions, no rivers of diamonds, or fluffy clouds or angel wings. You are loved. And you aren’t alone. That is God. That is Heaven. That’s why we endure all that we endure on this big, blue, sad rock. I’ll be there soon enough. And I’ll see my father. And my grandmother. And I’ll see my little girl, and she will be happy and safe. And I will be so glad to meet her.

Riley: I really hope you’re right.

在与路西法搏斗之后，濒死的Erin在现实与记忆的交织中对死亡和self发出的思考也同样意味深长。

Riley: What happens?

Erin: What?

Riley: When we die. What happens?

Erin: Yeah, what the fuck happens?

Riley: So what do you think happens when we die, Erin?

Erin: Speaking for myself?

Riley: Speaking for yourself.

Erin: Myself. My self. That’s the problem. That’s the problem with the whole thing. That word, “self”. That’s not the word. That’s not right. That isn’t. That isn’t. How did I forget that? When did I forget that? The body stops a cell at a time, but the brain keeps firing those neurons. Little lightning bolts, like fireworks inside, and I thought I’d despair or feel afraid, but I don’t feel any of that. None of it. Because I’m too busy. I’m too busy in this moment. Remembering. Of course. I remember that every atom in my body was forged in a star. This matter, this body is mostly just empty space after all, and solid matter? It’s just energy vibrating very slowly and there is no me. There never was. The electrons of my body mingle and dance with the electrons of the ground below me and the air I’m no longer breathing. And I remember there is no point where any of that ends and I begin. I remember I’m energy. Not memory. Not self. My name, my personality, my choices, all came after me. I was before them and I will be after, and everything else is pictures, picked up along the way. Fleeting little dreamless printed on the tissue of my dying brain. And I am the lightning that jumps between, I am the energy firing the neurons, and I’m returning. Just by remembering, I’m returning home. And it’s like a drop of water falling back into the ocean, of which it’s always been a part. All things… a part. All of us… a part. You, me and my little girl, and my mother and my father, everyone who’s ever been, every plant, every animal, every atom, every star, every galaxy, all of it. More galaxies in the universe than grains of sand on the beach. And that’s what we’re talking about when we say “God”. The one. The cosmos and its infinite dreams. We are the cosmos dreaming of itself. It’s simply a dream that I think is my life, every time. But I’ll forget this. I always do. I always forget my dreams. But now, in this split-second, in the moment I remember, the instant I remember, I comprehend everything at once. There is no time. There is no death. Life is a dream. It’s a wish. Made again and again and again and again and again and again and on into eternity. And I am all of it. I am everything. I am all. I am that I am.

值得注意的是，最后那句I am that I am是某些（英文版）圣经中当摩西问及Jesus的名字时他的回应，某些影评把这句话翻译成“我思故我在”难免有点贻笑大方了。Erin在濒死状态下对死亡的思考与Riley在清醒状态下对死亡的思考有着异曲同工的从容与平和。We are the cosmos dreaming of itself and It’s simply a dream that I think is my life这个比喻既瑰丽无比，又令人失落。总说时代的一粒尘埃落在一个人身上便是一座大山，但一个人对于时代这座大山来讲又何尝不是一粒尘埃？

我不由得想起Linkin Park那首One More Light以及苏轼《赤壁赋》中的句子：

“少焉，月出于东山之上，徘徊于斗牛之间。白露横江，水光接天。纵一苇之所如，凌万顷之茫然。驾一叶之扁舟，举匏樽以相属。寄蜉蝣于天地，渺沧海之一粟。哀吾生之须臾，羡长江之无穷。挟飞仙以遨游，抱明月而长终。知不可乎骤得，托遗响于悲风。”

Riley和Erin像是孪生人物，都曾是背井离乡、跋山涉水、闯荡江湖的年轻人，都是陷入困境而迫不得已逃回克里特岛的idiots（Look at us, back where we started, the one place we swore we’d never end up），都是为了制止血液传染病的蔓延而在克里特岛上终结的生命。当然，腹中胎儿燃起了Erin对生活的希望，醉驾引发的自责则将Riley层层困住。四年牢狱之灾过后，Riley仍不能与自己达成和解——

Erin: How are you?

Riley: I don’t know. That’s kinda… That’s kinda the whole thing. I don’t know. I have no idea. I mean, in prison, it was easy. I had things to do, you know. Count the days, count down the sentence, eat, sleep, read. It’s all pretty carefully spelled out for you. Regimented. But here… Here, I have nothing. What, am I gonna get a job? Go to school? I have no money, no prospects, I just… I just exist now. That’s it. I have absolutely no purpose at all. I’m just sitting in my parents’ house, breathing, and serving no purpose to anyone whatsoever. I’m just… living. And that’s the worst part, because I shouldn’t be alive, Erin. So I don’t know. What I do here? I eat, sleep. Shit, I don’t know. Walk home now, eat dinner, wait out this fucking storm.

Joe: Does it ever get any different? For people like us?

Riley: I don’t think so. Nothing around us changes. I mean, if we work really hard, then maybe we become different. Then maybe at least it feels different? I don’t know.

他的自责到了一种无以复加的地步。阳光直射前他噙着泪水说了两遍I did my best，濒死时脑海里浮现的是车祸中遇难者的音容笑貌。

海面上那团迎着朝阳熊熊燃烧的火焰，最终与Riley满腹的苦楚一同化作灰烬，对他而言未尝不是最好的选择，毕竟他终于serve a purpose、让Erin快逃了。

回顾Erin对What happens when we die的两次回答，不难发现其中的转变。前一次躺在沙发上的她还在幻想Heaven的欢聚时刻，后一次即将失血过多的她已经开始抒发对宏大的生命起源史与渺小的生命个体的对比的感慨了。类似于Just by remembering, I’m returning home. And it’s like a drop of water falling back into the ocean, of which it’s always been a part这种台词俨然有电影Lucy那种探讨理性与信仰之间的融合的痕迹了，因为在Erin对死亡最后的思考中，她仍带着造物主的宗教情怀。

另外，我能理解某些人对来世的向往，比如Erin希望死后能在Heaven与已逝的女儿和亲人们重聚。但对永生的追求就超出了我的理解范围，我只能简单臆断那是对死亡的恐惧。这些天我在病房里看到了形形色色的高寿的老人家极不舒适地躺在病床上，有的怨声载道，有的神情漠然，不是因为儿女不孝，而是因为年事已高、机能退化、稍有不慎、疾病缠身。那一刻，我觉得人这辈子的长度是有限的这个设定是极好的。